Baby Update: Weeks 6-11

I’m really behind on tracking the progress of this pregnancy, especially now that I’m just a week and a half away from the second trimester! Thankfully, there’s no time like the present to catch up. Here’s what’s been happening during my first trimester:

Clothes: I’m still wearing all of my regular clothes! My jeans have started to feel a little more snug over the past week or so (especially when they’re fresh out of the dryer), which gives me a yucky muffin top appearance that I definitely don’t love. By the end of the day, I’m usually very excited to change into comfy pajama pants. The hair tie trick has also been a lifesaver for me! I’m looking forward to buying some maternity clothes soon, but for now, I still don’t need them.

Baby Bump: Being able to wear all of my regular clothes does have a downside… I am not showing at ALL! I am dying to see that cute little baby bump make its appearance soon. I feel like most women are at least showing a little bit by 11.5 weeks, but I have been reassured that this is still very normal and that everybody is different. My tummy is definitely sticking out more than usual, but it’s in that bloated / "she’s just packed on a few extra pounds” kind of way, not in the cute, hard baby bump kind of way. Patience is the key. I know I’ll start to see that reassuring bump sometime within the next few weeks or so.

Symptoms:
Nausea - By this point, my nausea has almost completely dissipated! Thankfully, I didn't have terrible morning sickness with this pregnancy. The nausea was actually by far the worst BEFORE I knew I was pregnant (weeks 4-6). It was one of the major things that clued me into the fact that something was off. Miraculously, things got so much better after I found out. I still have passing waves of nausea every once in a while, and my sense of smell and my gag reflex are definitely heightened. (Hmmm… that will prove to be tricky for a nurse who deals with many interesting sights and smells in her line of work…) There was even a period of a couple of weeks where I couldn't brush my teeth in the morning without gagging or throwing up. SO relieved that that lovely symptom has improved!

Heartburn – Fun fact: Even pregnant women in the first trimester can get severe heartburn, thanks to all that lovely progesterone wreaking havoc on my digestive system. I carry a bottle of TUMS around with me everywhere. Some days are fine, other days I feel like I am popping TUMS every 15 minutes trying to get rid of the burning in my chest. I can only image how fun it will be when I’m in my third trimester and Baby Goss is pushing on my esophagus…

Fatigue – Much better now than it was at the beginning of the pregnancy, although my husband still makes fun of me for going to bed ridiculously early some nights. Depending on the activity level of my day, I usually get random bursts of energy combined with moments where just standing up feels like a giant undertaking.

Acne – Ummm, where is this pregnancy glow everyone keeps talking about? My skin looks like it could be on a hormonal 16-year old boy and no one would know the difference. And not just on my face, it’s everywhere. So NOT cute.

Food Cravings: Fruit. Any and all kinds. My current favorites are watermelon and tangelos. I’m also craving sweet foods and treats (like candy and desserts), but I’m trying really hard to keep my junk food eating in check. All in all, I find that I am so much HUNGRIER than I've ever been in my life! If I go more than about 3-4 hours without eating, I feel like I’m going to fall over. Eating small, protein-packed meals throughout the day is definitely helpful.

Food Aversions: I have not eaten a single egg since I became pregnant, and at this point, I would be okay if I never had to eat or look at another egg ever again. I am also grossed out by the smell and taste of coffee. At the very beginning of my pregnancy, I had a serious aversion to all kinds of meat except chicken. That is a lot better now that we are back home in the States where meat is readily available and generally less sketchy.

Gender: Most of the people in my family, including my husband, are 100% convinced that we are having a boy. I have actually had 3 vivid, distinct dreams about my baby now, and in all of them, our little one was a boy! On the other hand, I have taken lots of silly, old wives tale gender prediction quizzes, and the results of those always come up as a definite girl (even though they are clearly just for fun and not based on any kind of science.) For those who know me, I have always imagined that my first baby would be a girl. But now that I’m actually pregnant, if someone made me submit a formal guess today, I would guess that we’re having a boy. I am definitely warming up to the idea of a sweet baby boy too! I know that God will give us the exact baby that he has designed for us, and we will be SO in love either way. Meanwhile, I will still hold out hope for pink frilly dresses and bows until I’m proven wrong...

Baby: At 11.5 weeks, Baby Goss is a little larger than a fig and is growing more and more every day. I can’t wait to start feeling him/her move and kick! At 10 weeks, I had an ultrasound where I heard the baby’s heartbeat and got to watch on the screen as our baby kicked his/her legs and waved his/her arms all around. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Because I’m not showing yet and because it's too early for me to feel the baby, it’s easy for me to forget that I have an actual human LIFE inside of me, with his/her own heartbeat and movements and personality. Wow. God is so good!

What’s New: Ummm, where to begin. For starters, we moved back home to the States at 9.5 weeks pregnant. It was an incredible challenge for us to leave our life in Uganda and prepare to start over here. We definitely miss African living and our work with Sixty Feet, but we are also so excited for the new chapter that we are starting here at home. This time of transition has been surprisingly smooth for us. Austin begins his job with a marketing firm tomorrow, and I head back to my new/old job as a PICU nurse at Phoenix Children’s Hospital next week! God is providing for our growing family and everything is falling into place. We could not be more excited.

Turning a Husband Into a Daddy

In case you missed my recent post, I described the events leading up to the discovery of my pregnancy with our first little one. Now, I was faced with the decision of how to share this incredible news with my husband.

I opened the door to the bathroom after seeing my positive test and walked casually into the bedroom where Austin was laying on the bed, playing around on the computer. I had wide eyes and a racing heart, and it literally took EVERY ounce of strength and self-control that I had to not blurt it out right then and there! I knew that I wanted to tell him in a way that was cute and memorable (and could be preserved for posterity). I distracted myself by pacing around our room “cleaning” for a few minutes, which mostly consisted of picking up random objects and setting them back down again in the exact same spot. I was also frantically Facebook messaging my sister, Lara, back and forth. I knew that I was going to spill the beans if I didn't tell someone in person soon, so I finally walked outside and made a phone call to my sweet friend, Flo – the wife of our Sixty Feet director.

Flo was in the middle of giving her girls a Sunday school lesson, so I asked if I could stop by their house for a few minutes as soon they were finished. I went back upstairs and told Austin that I was heading over to Flo’s house for a quick cup of tea. On the short drive up the hill to her house, I remember praying out loud and thanking God again and again for this incredible gift that he had given me! I still couldn't believe that all of this was happening!

I think Flo knew that something was up right away because I was acting really jittery and anxious. We finally went out onto the porch alone and I blurted out the news. She was so sweet and excited for me, and together, we hatched a plan about how to tell Austin.

Flo had our director, Boog, call a pretend emergency meeting for the Sixty Feet American staff at 3:00 that afternoon. By this point, I had also told my roommates Emily and Staci, so all of the girls knew the true purpose behind this proposed, impromptu work meeting. Announcing my pregnancy to Austin was the only item on the agenda!

When I returned home, I was able to sneak one of Austin’s old, white T-shirts downstairs along with a black Sharpie. I laid it out on the table and carefully wrote “G³” on the front. Then I folded it and put it in a large envelope with his name on the front, hoping to pass it off as a child sponsorship-related document so that I wouldn't give anything away. Next, I sat at the kitchen table and wrote out a letter to Daddy from Baby Goss. I included a few Bible verses at the end and glued my 2 positive pregnancy tests to the bottom of the page, just in case he needed further proof that this was all very real.

After what felt like an eternity, the time for the “meeting” finally came. We all sat down, and Boog handed Austin the package I had given to him earlier. Boog told Austin that one of our counselors had been trying to get a hold of him to give it to him all day. At first, Austin was confused about why my handwriting was on the package, but finally took it from Boog and set it down WITHOUT opening it! I finally got him to open the envelope after some prompting. He held up the shirt and seemed really confused. At that moment, I handed him the letter from my Bible. He stared at the page for a minute, read the words “Dear Daddy” at the top, and immediately put the whole thing together. He was shocked, but completely ecstatic! I admittedly got a little teary eyed. Afterwards, Flo brought out a cookie tray for us that she had created to say “G³,” and we all ate and laughed together. It was such a special memory and an incredible afternoon all around.

I’m so glad that I got to share this news with my husband in a fun, special way that we will remember forever. Our Sixty Feet friends helped us capture some photos from the big reveal. Enjoy!

Where We Go From Here

As soon as I discovered that I was pregnant a week and a half ago, I knew that this part was going to be hard. I knew it meant that we were going to have to make some difficult, hard decisions only 4 days after we landed in Uganda for what I thought would be another 6 months to 1 year of ministry with Sixty Feet. I also knew that this was always a possibility – that when we decided to give up control in determining when we would have children back in November, things would happen according to God’s timetable and not our own.

Austin and I went out to dinner the evening that I told him about the pregnancy. We had decided beforehand to not talk about our long-term plans that night, but just to revel in the happiness of that day. But as I picked at my California roll and sipped my glass bottle of Coke, I think the weight of that decision became too much for us to ignore. What do we do now? We just got here. This is all happening so fast.

I think we both knew the answer already, but neither one of us wanted to say it. Austin tentatively spoke up first. “So, I think we need to go home…” The more I let that sit and marinate in my mind, the more I knew that he was right.

There are so many things that we are not ready for right now. We are not in a position to financially support a child in Uganda. I feel so far removed from my family here and would be brokenhearted for them to miss this entire pregnancy, or to have a niece/nephew/grandchild that they do not know and have never met. I suddenly felt the immense pressure of being responsible for another human life. Our baby is depending on us for comfort and stability. I want to provide the very best life that I can for our child. It all seems like too much to try to take on ourselves. At the heart of it all, we really don’t know what we’re doing yet or how to be excellent parents.

We had lots of intentional conversations with our director, Boog, and his wife, Flo. We talked with Dan, our Sixty Feet president. All of these conversation echoed the feeling that we already had. It’s time to close this chapter for now and go home. This is not the place for us to try and figure all of this out. Many American families do deliver and raise children in Uganda, but that is not where our hearts are right now. In our case, that would not be a wise or responsible decision.

So, after lots of prayer and consideration, Austin and I have decided that we will be leaving Uganda on Friday, January 31st and returning home to live in Phoenix. We are excited about pursing this new chapter of our lives and feeling that familiar comfort of stability again. Austin will be returning to school to pursue a second bachelor’s degree and will be working full time. I will be returning to work as a pediatric nurse, but probably in a part-time capacity. The specifics and individual jobs are not set in stone, but we have definite goals in place. We want to be in our own place again by the time our baby arrives. We want to have health insurance and a good amount in savings. We want to make sure that we are caring for our baby in the most responsible way that we can. It will take a lot of work, but I know that we will get there eventually.

At first, I was a little irritated that I hadn't thought to take a pregnancy test before we left for Uganda. I mean, realistically, if we had known I was pregnant before we left, we probably never would have stepped foot on the plane and would have just saved the cost of that very expensive trans-Atlantic airfare. But I know that God was doing this on purpose. I know that there is a reason why the thought didn't enter my brain until we landed on Ugandan soil. We needed closure. It would have been so hard for us to say “See ya later,” to all the staff and children that we love and then never see them again. Also, at the heart of it all, there is no place I would have rather been when we discovered this incredible news. These people are our family. They share our joys and are burdened with our concerns. This place feels like home. There is nowhere else I would have rather been to discover this incredible, miraculous, life-changing reality. We needed this last month here to come to terms with everything that we've done and experienced over the last year and learn how to turn the page to the next chapter that God has placed before us.

We are so grateful for the love and support of our friends and family during these past 13 months. Our hearts are somewhat torn between what we love doing and what is best for our family right now, and I know that peace with both of those things will come with time. We are immensely blessed to have had the opportunity to serve with this incredible organization and to make a real impact in the lives of many vulnerable children. We are now only beginning to process what life will look like for us moving forward. But we are moving ahead confidently, assured that He is already there and that we have fulfilled this part of our calling to the best of our abilities. I’m so excited to watch the puzzle pieces fall into place.

“The Lord gives His people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace.” Psalm 29:11

Leading Up to Our Miracle

In case the news hasn't already been properly shared, Austin and I thrilled to announce that we are expecting our first baby! I am pregnant! I still can't believe how this amazing story has come together. God is so faithful and good and I am overjoyed to become a mommy this year to a precious, sweet bundle of joy.

In mid-November, Austin and I had a semi-spontaneous conversation about family expansion. We had never seriously considered the possibility before this time, but on one cool evening in November, the thought suddenly hit me. I wanted to have a baby. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to open ourselves up to the possibility of allowing God to bless us with a baby when the time was right. Austin agreed, and for the first time in our 2.5 years of marriage, I knew that we were both ready to be parents. I began to prepare myself for what I thought would be the long and difficult process of trying to conceive our first child.

When I was 19 years old, I was diagnosed with an endocrine disorder called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The manifestations of this syndrome differ from woman to woman, but the hallmarks include ovaries that are often enlarged and covered in cysts and irregular or absent monthly cycles. I experienced both of these issues for years before I was formally diagnosed, and I understood early on that this could possibly mean that I would have a difficult time conceiving a baby someday.

Wanting to prepare myself for the worst, I went and made an appointment to see my mom (my own personal nurse practitioner) in mid-December to see how things were shaping up in our new family expansion plan. My mom ordered an ultrasound of my ovaries and, sure enough, they looked like a hot mess. Classically cystic. Misbehaving. We came up with a game plan of a few new medications to try in order to help my body learn to regulate my cycles on its own, but I still couldn't help but feel disheartened and hopeless.

I remember getting into the car after that appointment and crying, convinced that I would never experience the beautiful gift of motherhood without immense struggle and heartache. I prayed on the way home that God would give me the courage to lay this mess at the foot of His cross. That I would trust Him to resurrect this dream when the time was right. Little did I know that He was already working, that I would unknowingly conceive our precious baby that very week.

Austin and I returned to Uganda for another year of full-time ministry with Sixty Feet on Wednesday, January 8th, 2014, after two months at home with our families for the holidays. Though I am always prone to severe jet lag, something about this trip just really sucked the life out of me. The night we arrived, I went to bed at 6:30 PM and slept until 5 AM. The next day, I made it only until 3:30 PM and slept until about 6 the next morning. Not only did I feel totally, unusually sleepy, I felt like I had no energy. Even the smallest, simplest tasks felt like they required too much effort. Austin laughed at me on Thursday morning when he walked into our bedroom and found me putting on my makeup sitting on the floor. Even standing up for more than a few minutes at a time was just too much work!

Despite the fact that this fatigue was clearly abnormal, I didn't register it as suspicious in my mind. The only thing that did concern me was the fact that I felt SO sick all the time. As soon as the New Year came and went, I felt like I lived in a constant state of mild to moderate nausea. I never vomited once, but my appetite decreased and suddenly all food sounded terrible. I remember walking into our kitchen in Uganda on Saturday to try and get some food down. One of my favorite snacks has always been pretzels dipped in Nutella. Having both ingredients on hand, I put one of the sweet, salty, chocolately Nutella pretzels in my mouth and it tasted TERRIBLE! I instantly wanted to throw up, even though this has always been a favorite treat of mine.

A few weeks prior, I started a new medication in an effort to help regulate and control my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and I had been warned by my mom that the primary side effects of this new medicine were gastrointestinal upset and nausea. Because of that, I still didn't register the nausea and lack of appetite as coming from another source. I just remember HATING all 1500 mg of that medication for making me feel so sick!

On Saturday afternoon, after another full day of laying in bed and trying not to vomit, I remember complaining to Austin about the overwhelming, constant nausea I was experiencing. He half-jokingly told me that I was having a baby. I vehemently denied this possibility, knowing that such things do not happen so quickly and easily for women with PCOS. It's a marathon, not a sprint. We'll probably be trying for at least 6 months to a year. It HAS to be the new medication. I didn't even entertain his idea as a realistic suggestion.

I finally sent my pregnant older sister, Lara, a Facebook message complaining about my 2 week stint of nausea and fatigue. I mostly wanted to whine to her about how sick this medicine was making me feel, and I knew she would give me some sympathy. Instead, she told me that was I was experiencing sounded a whole lot like pregnancy and that I should take a test, without getting my hopes up, just to rule out the possibility.

At that point, I knew that taking a test wouldn't hurt. I went to sleep on Saturday night and had a strange, vivid dream about buying 4 pregnancy tests at a store in the U.S. I woke up early on Sunday morning, January 12th, with this overwhelming feeling that I NEEDED to go buy a pregnancy test. I got dressed quickly and drove down to a small, local grocery store to buy some bread and water and a few other items. On the way home, I stopped at a small pharmacy and bought 2 pregnancy test strips for a total of 3,000 Ugandan Shillings, which is the equivalent of about $1.25. I came home, put the groceries away, washed the morning dishes, and went upstairs to our bathroom to take the first test.

I had decided beforehand not to tell Austin about this whole thing, honestly because I just didn't think that pregnancy was even a realistic possibility. As I walked into the bathroom, I remember coaching myself, “Okay, you've done this before. Don't get your hopes up. We're just ruling this out. Expect it to be negative so you don't feel disappointed.”

Without giving too much detail, I will tell you that the pregnancy tests in Uganda do not function the same way as pregnancy tests in the States. Tests in the States can be left on the counter unattended for 5 minutes while you distract yourself with something else. Tests in Uganda develop in less than 30 seconds, but you have to sit there and hold them and watch them process. I remember glancing at my test strip as the first pink line appeared almost immediately. ''Okay, so that must be the control line,” I thought to myself. But subconsciously, I started to panic a little. I think I secretly knew that that line was too far down the strip to be the control line. Sure enough, a second pink line appeared just a few seconds after the first. I stared at the strip and blinked. My heart dropped into my stomach. I remember that my hands started shaking. I kept saying, “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” over and over. I just couldn't believe it! What I was seeing was a clear-as-day, no questions about it positive pregnancy test!

I took a few more minutes to compose myself. Austin was in our bedroom right outside the door and I wanted to keep it a secret from him for just a few hours more until I could tell him in a fun, memorable way, which will be the subject of my next post.

Since I've rambled on enough about the events leading to our positive pregnancy test, I'll stop there for today. I still can't believe that Austin and I are going to be parents. God is so good, and he gives us such incredible gifts! We are blessed!

Two pink lines change everything...

The Beauty of Uncertainty

It's amazing how quickly our move to Uganda is approaching! We have less than 1 month until we leave, and it still doesn't seem real to me yet. Life has changed drastically for us in the past few weeks. We've finished one chapter and started another that will likely lead us in a completely different direction as we go forward.

Two weeks ago, I left my job at Phoenix Children's Hospital. Needless to say, it wasn't an easy thing to do. It was hard to walk away from an amazing hospital, amazing co-workers, and a cushy (day shift!) position in the PICU. I grew so much in my nursing practice in the 1 year and 3 months that I spent there. It was a wonderful first job for a new-grad fresh out of nursing school. I certainly had my days where it was difficult, frustrating, and exhausting, but at the end of the day, I loved being a PICU nurse. I'm definitely loving my new-found free time, but I still find myself thinking about PCH and missing it on an almost daily basis.

Austin also left his management position at QuikTrip two weeks ago. He definitely isn't as nostalgic as I am when he thinks about his time there, but it was a solid job that helped provide for us during our first year and a half of marriage. I find myself wondering what he will do when we get back. Austin has always wanted to be a police officer, and he may decide to pursue that further after our time in Uganda. Or maybe he'll pursue work with a non-profit or NGO and follow his passion for the work of the Gospel.

I know it may sound like I'm getting ahead of myself, but leaving our lives behind to be obedient to the calling God has placed on us is by no means easy. It's hard. It's messy. It really screws up my life plans. I'm the kind of girl who has always been painstakingly organized and has had every detail of my future planned for the next 5 years. As soon as we said yes to moving to Africa, my agenda went out the window. I am no longer in control of my own life.

I don't know how long we'll be in Uganda.

I don't know where we'll live when we get back.

I don't know where I will work or what I will do when we return to the States.

I don't know about the possibility of going to grad school in the future.

I don't know when we'll have children.

I don't know when we'll buy a house.

I don't know if our lives will ever be “normal” again.

All these things that used to comprise my idea of the future are on hold indefinitely.

This is where the sacrificial element of obedience smacks you in the face. It requires strength and faith to trust that God has asked you to take another path because it will lead you to something better.

God's Word tells us that He is a God of justice. He shows compassion for the oppressed, for the orphan, for the widow. He tells us that where our treasure is, there are hearts will be also. His Word says that faith without deeds is dead and that if we see our brothers and sisters in need and do not have compassion on them, then the love of God is not in us.

If I am to claim the name of Jesus, my life has to reflect these truths. I have to believe that God's upside down kingdom is better than the little one I could construct for myself. I have to trust that no matter what, God will provide for our needs as we seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. All the other details will fall into place. I'm choosing to embrace uncertainty, focus on the task ahead of me, and know that God will continue to be faithful to us as we serve Him.

On an unrelated note, our fundraising is just about complete! We need just a little bit more in one-time donations until we're fully funded and able to purchase our airline tickets. Check out our video below to learn more about our story. If you would like to make a 100% tax-deductible donation, you can sign up in just about 1 minute here.   

"And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." - Micah 6:8

5 Questions to a Better Marriage

I'm really no expert on marriage. I've only been a wife for 15 months, and I'm still trying to figure out how to do it right. The amount of Christian marital advice I've come across over the past year and a half has admittedly been overwhelming, but the other day I found something that was too great not to share.

I came across this great blog written by a Christian wife who shared a creative little ritual that she and her husband do every week. (Check out the original source here.) It seemed easy enough to implement, so I decided to try it this week with Austin. It consists of 5 simple questions that you and your spouse sit down and discuss once a week. They're simple enough to go through in about 20 minutes (which is awesome if your husband is like mine and hates relationship talks!), but I've found that they have a lasting impact on my attitude and my actions towards Austin throughout the rest of the week. Let's get to it!

1) How did you feel loved this past week?

It's really important for me to take a minute and think about how I felt loved by my husband over the past week rather than what went wrong, what irritated me, what I didn't like, etc. When you focus on the positive moments, you tend to remember them more readily than the negative. It's helpful to get Austin's perspective on what I did right and what I did that worked for him. This week, I told Austin that I felt loved when he stayed up late to help me plan my best friend's bridal shower, and I learned that he felt loved when I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated his willingness to help. It was cool to realize that we'd felt loved by each other without even trying!

2) What does your upcoming week look like?

This one is pretty self explanatory. It gives us a chance to discuss our individual work schedules, to-do lists, finances, and goals for the week. It helps us make sure that we're on the same page about what the upcoming week has in store and what we'll need the other person's help with in the days ahead.

3) How would you feel most loved and encouraged in the days ahead?

My love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch, so I feel most loved by Austin through his encouraging words and compliments. And a little snuggling never hurts either.  Austin's more of a words of affirmation/quality time guy, so he feels most loved when I verbally affirm him and when we spend time hanging out together. It helps me focus on loving my husband better throughout the week when I get practical suggestions from him about his wants and needs. Likewise, if I need more love in a certain area, our Sunday night chats create a great, non-threatening opportunity to voice my needs to him.

4) How would you like to incorporate sex/intimacy in our marriage this week?

Let's be honest, even married couples can find sex to be an awkward topic to discuss, but it's of vital importance to the health of our relationship. In the throws of two busy schedules, it helps us to discuss our expectations regarding sex openly and honestly during our Sunday night huddle. For super busy couples, it might even be useful to “schedule” it on a calendar. Because I'm big on physical touch, it's important to me to have time with Austin where we're by ourselves and can be physically close, even if that doesn't involve sex. Physical and emotional intimacy is often just as important to wives as sex is to husbands. The important thing is to make sure that both people are open and honest about their needs in this area.

5) How can I pray for you this week?

I've tried to be more intentional recently about praying for my husband on a regular basis. I pray for his spiritual health, for wisdom, for his ability to serve the Kingdom, and for his ability to be a leader in our marriage. When we ask each other how we can pray for one another, it creates a safe space for me to share my struggles and what's going on in my heart. It also reminds me to keep praying for Austin consistently throughout the week. It's a great way to end our Sunday night huddle.

This exercise has been really useful for us as we learn how to communicate with each other and figure out how to do marriage well. Try it out for yourself and enjoy the results!

The Weight of My Own Words

I’m told that I was notoriously stubborn as a child. I like to think that I was a sweet, innocent little girl who gave my parents nothing but sunshine and happiness, but I definitely had my fair share of conflict with them-- all related to my strong-willed attitude. My Mom is quick to remind me that by the time I was two, she had already threatened to “pull the car over” on way more occasions than any of my other siblings combined. I feel like I grew out of my stubborn defiance by the end of high school, and all in all, I turned out to be a pretty good kid. I got straight A’s, I was always at youth group, and I got a big scholarship to a good university.  Still, my stubborn defiance continues to rear its ugly head from time to time, even in my adult life.

I’ve spoken a lot recently about the two months I spent in Kenya when I was 20. I left Kenya filled with excitement for the Gospel and a renewed sense of passion for the global poor. God had spoken into my life and told me to go to Africa. I was sure of that. I came back home to my little college world convinced that my time in America would be limited. I had experiences that were raw and profound and filled me with excitement about what God had in store for the rest of my life.

Isn’t it funny how familiarity has a way of playing tricks on your mind? It seemed like every day that passed after I came back from my first trip to Africa, my memory seemed to become more fuzzy and faded. Suddenly, those people I had met and those experiences I had shared seemed a million miles away. I still thought about Kenya with a sense of nostalgia, but now the “real world” was in full focus. I focused on surviving my last year of nursing school. I focused on getting engaged to my boyfriend (now husband!) I concentrated on graduating and planning my wedding. Then it was the hunt for my first big-girl nursing job and settling into my new life as an adult. As recently as few months ago, Austin and I were talking about saving up to buy a new car by the end of the year and dreaming about buying a house someday. The calling I had felt so strongly suddenly didn’t seem as real to me anymore.

I look back on the two years that have passed since my time in Kenya and I can’t remember how many times I have had to ignore the Spirit tugging at my heart. I have been stubborn. I have been defiant. I have heard His voice over and over telling me to go, and I’ve busied myself with other things to drown out the sound. It was in January that my own words finally caught up to me. I was cleaning out our closet one day and stumbled upon my journal from Kenya. I sat down on my closet floor, opened it up, and read page after page of my innermost thoughts and experiences. I finally got to the last entry and felt my stomach turn when I read these words:

“Being in Kenya has cemented in my mind that being a missionary in Africa is the path God is calling me to. He has showed me what the well-lived Christian life looks like: it’s dangerous! I know that going back home to become a nurse/wife/mom in suburban America would be a form of disobedience to God when I believe that He has called me elsewhere. I don’t know what form being a missionary in Africa will take, how I plan to incorporate my nursing practice, what organization I will go with, whether or not my boyfriend shares in this calling, or any other logistical details. All I know is that I have a passion for helping the African poor, and that the things God has placed in my heart are the things He has for me to do here on earth.”

Ouch. In that moment, the weight of my stubborn disobedience hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized the comfortable path I had fashioned for my life was not the one I was being called to. This realization didn’t come easily, but in a way, it was… a relief. It was a relief to not have to fight it anymore. To not have to make myself so busy that I didn’t have time to listen. It was a relief to get to the place where I was so tired of struggling that I stopped and said “God, I give up. Do what you want with me.” 

I don’t think I’ll ever totally get rid of my stubbornness. God is still going to have to hit me over the head with things in order to get me to listen. But I’m glad I finally did. I feel like the path He has called me to will be even more rich and rewarding than the one I could have ever chosen for myself. I just have to keep following Jesus, the perfect example of self-sacrifice and obedience, even to the point of death on a cross (Phil. 2:8).  There’s a profound sense of joy and freedom in picking up my cross, laying down my plans, and choosing to follow Him where he leads me.

My final journal entry in Kenya; July 2010