Turning a Husband Into a Daddy

In case you missed my recent post, I described the events leading up to the discovery of my pregnancy with our first little one. Now, I was faced with the decision of how to share this incredible news with my husband.

I opened the door to the bathroom after seeing my positive test and walked casually into the bedroom where Austin was laying on the bed, playing around on the computer. I had wide eyes and a racing heart, and it literally took EVERY ounce of strength and self-control that I had to not blurt it out right then and there! I knew that I wanted to tell him in a way that was cute and memorable (and could be preserved for posterity). I distracted myself by pacing around our room “cleaning” for a few minutes, which mostly consisted of picking up random objects and setting them back down again in the exact same spot. I was also frantically Facebook messaging my sister, Lara, back and forth. I knew that I was going to spill the beans if I didn't tell someone in person soon, so I finally walked outside and made a phone call to my sweet friend, Flo – the wife of our Sixty Feet director.

Flo was in the middle of giving her girls a Sunday school lesson, so I asked if I could stop by their house for a few minutes as soon they were finished. I went back upstairs and told Austin that I was heading over to Flo’s house for a quick cup of tea. On the short drive up the hill to her house, I remember praying out loud and thanking God again and again for this incredible gift that he had given me! I still couldn't believe that all of this was happening!

I think Flo knew that something was up right away because I was acting really jittery and anxious. We finally went out onto the porch alone and I blurted out the news. She was so sweet and excited for me, and together, we hatched a plan about how to tell Austin.

Flo had our director, Boog, call a pretend emergency meeting for the Sixty Feet American staff at 3:00 that afternoon. By this point, I had also told my roommates Emily and Staci, so all of the girls knew the true purpose behind this proposed, impromptu work meeting. Announcing my pregnancy to Austin was the only item on the agenda!

When I returned home, I was able to sneak one of Austin’s old, white T-shirts downstairs along with a black Sharpie. I laid it out on the table and carefully wrote “G³” on the front. Then I folded it and put it in a large envelope with his name on the front, hoping to pass it off as a child sponsorship-related document so that I wouldn't give anything away. Next, I sat at the kitchen table and wrote out a letter to Daddy from Baby Goss. I included a few Bible verses at the end and glued my 2 positive pregnancy tests to the bottom of the page, just in case he needed further proof that this was all very real.

After what felt like an eternity, the time for the “meeting” finally came. We all sat down, and Boog handed Austin the package I had given to him earlier. Boog told Austin that one of our counselors had been trying to get a hold of him to give it to him all day. At first, Austin was confused about why my handwriting was on the package, but finally took it from Boog and set it down WITHOUT opening it! I finally got him to open the envelope after some prompting. He held up the shirt and seemed really confused. At that moment, I handed him the letter from my Bible. He stared at the page for a minute, read the words “Dear Daddy” at the top, and immediately put the whole thing together. He was shocked, but completely ecstatic! I admittedly got a little teary eyed. Afterwards, Flo brought out a cookie tray for us that she had created to say “G³,” and we all ate and laughed together. It was such a special memory and an incredible afternoon all around.

I’m so glad that I got to share this news with my husband in a fun, special way that we will remember forever. Our Sixty Feet friends helped us capture some photos from the big reveal. Enjoy!

Where We Go From Here

As soon as I discovered that I was pregnant a week and a half ago, I knew that this part was going to be hard. I knew it meant that we were going to have to make some difficult, hard decisions only 4 days after we landed in Uganda for what I thought would be another 6 months to 1 year of ministry with Sixty Feet. I also knew that this was always a possibility – that when we decided to give up control in determining when we would have children back in November, things would happen according to God’s timetable and not our own.

Austin and I went out to dinner the evening that I told him about the pregnancy. We had decided beforehand to not talk about our long-term plans that night, but just to revel in the happiness of that day. But as I picked at my California roll and sipped my glass bottle of Coke, I think the weight of that decision became too much for us to ignore. What do we do now? We just got here. This is all happening so fast.

I think we both knew the answer already, but neither one of us wanted to say it. Austin tentatively spoke up first. “So, I think we need to go home…” The more I let that sit and marinate in my mind, the more I knew that he was right.

There are so many things that we are not ready for right now. We are not in a position to financially support a child in Uganda. I feel so far removed from my family here and would be brokenhearted for them to miss this entire pregnancy, or to have a niece/nephew/grandchild that they do not know and have never met. I suddenly felt the immense pressure of being responsible for another human life. Our baby is depending on us for comfort and stability. I want to provide the very best life that I can for our child. It all seems like too much to try to take on ourselves. At the heart of it all, we really don’t know what we’re doing yet or how to be excellent parents.

We had lots of intentional conversations with our director, Boog, and his wife, Flo. We talked with Dan, our Sixty Feet president. All of these conversation echoed the feeling that we already had. It’s time to close this chapter for now and go home. This is not the place for us to try and figure all of this out. Many American families do deliver and raise children in Uganda, but that is not where our hearts are right now. In our case, that would not be a wise or responsible decision.

So, after lots of prayer and consideration, Austin and I have decided that we will be leaving Uganda on Friday, January 31st and returning home to live in Phoenix. We are excited about pursing this new chapter of our lives and feeling that familiar comfort of stability again. Austin will be returning to school to pursue a second bachelor’s degree and will be working full time. I will be returning to work as a pediatric nurse, but probably in a part-time capacity. The specifics and individual jobs are not set in stone, but we have definite goals in place. We want to be in our own place again by the time our baby arrives. We want to have health insurance and a good amount in savings. We want to make sure that we are caring for our baby in the most responsible way that we can. It will take a lot of work, but I know that we will get there eventually.

At first, I was a little irritated that I hadn't thought to take a pregnancy test before we left for Uganda. I mean, realistically, if we had known I was pregnant before we left, we probably never would have stepped foot on the plane and would have just saved the cost of that very expensive trans-Atlantic airfare. But I know that God was doing this on purpose. I know that there is a reason why the thought didn't enter my brain until we landed on Ugandan soil. We needed closure. It would have been so hard for us to say “See ya later,” to all the staff and children that we love and then never see them again. Also, at the heart of it all, there is no place I would have rather been when we discovered this incredible news. These people are our family. They share our joys and are burdened with our concerns. This place feels like home. There is nowhere else I would have rather been to discover this incredible, miraculous, life-changing reality. We needed this last month here to come to terms with everything that we've done and experienced over the last year and learn how to turn the page to the next chapter that God has placed before us.

We are so grateful for the love and support of our friends and family during these past 13 months. Our hearts are somewhat torn between what we love doing and what is best for our family right now, and I know that peace with both of those things will come with time. We are immensely blessed to have had the opportunity to serve with this incredible organization and to make a real impact in the lives of many vulnerable children. We are now only beginning to process what life will look like for us moving forward. But we are moving ahead confidently, assured that He is already there and that we have fulfilled this part of our calling to the best of our abilities. I’m so excited to watch the puzzle pieces fall into place.

“The Lord gives His people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace.” Psalm 29:11

Leading Up to Our Miracle

In case the news hasn't already been properly shared, Austin and I thrilled to announce that we are expecting our first baby! I am pregnant! I still can't believe how this amazing story has come together. God is so faithful and good and I am overjoyed to become a mommy this year to a precious, sweet bundle of joy.

In mid-November, Austin and I had a semi-spontaneous conversation about family expansion. We had never seriously considered the possibility before this time, but on one cool evening in November, the thought suddenly hit me. I wanted to have a baby. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to open ourselves up to the possibility of allowing God to bless us with a baby when the time was right. Austin agreed, and for the first time in our 2.5 years of marriage, I knew that we were both ready to be parents. I began to prepare myself for what I thought would be the long and difficult process of trying to conceive our first child.

When I was 19 years old, I was diagnosed with an endocrine disorder called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The manifestations of this syndrome differ from woman to woman, but the hallmarks include ovaries that are often enlarged and covered in cysts and irregular or absent monthly cycles. I experienced both of these issues for years before I was formally diagnosed, and I understood early on that this could possibly mean that I would have a difficult time conceiving a baby someday.

Wanting to prepare myself for the worst, I went and made an appointment to see my mom (my own personal nurse practitioner) in mid-December to see how things were shaping up in our new family expansion plan. My mom ordered an ultrasound of my ovaries and, sure enough, they looked like a hot mess. Classically cystic. Misbehaving. We came up with a game plan of a few new medications to try in order to help my body learn to regulate my cycles on its own, but I still couldn't help but feel disheartened and hopeless.

I remember getting into the car after that appointment and crying, convinced that I would never experience the beautiful gift of motherhood without immense struggle and heartache. I prayed on the way home that God would give me the courage to lay this mess at the foot of His cross. That I would trust Him to resurrect this dream when the time was right. Little did I know that He was already working, that I would unknowingly conceive our precious baby that very week.

Austin and I returned to Uganda for another year of full-time ministry with Sixty Feet on Wednesday, January 8th, 2014, after two months at home with our families for the holidays. Though I am always prone to severe jet lag, something about this trip just really sucked the life out of me. The night we arrived, I went to bed at 6:30 PM and slept until 5 AM. The next day, I made it only until 3:30 PM and slept until about 6 the next morning. Not only did I feel totally, unusually sleepy, I felt like I had no energy. Even the smallest, simplest tasks felt like they required too much effort. Austin laughed at me on Thursday morning when he walked into our bedroom and found me putting on my makeup sitting on the floor. Even standing up for more than a few minutes at a time was just too much work!

Despite the fact that this fatigue was clearly abnormal, I didn't register it as suspicious in my mind. The only thing that did concern me was the fact that I felt SO sick all the time. As soon as the New Year came and went, I felt like I lived in a constant state of mild to moderate nausea. I never vomited once, but my appetite decreased and suddenly all food sounded terrible. I remember walking into our kitchen in Uganda on Saturday to try and get some food down. One of my favorite snacks has always been pretzels dipped in Nutella. Having both ingredients on hand, I put one of the sweet, salty, chocolately Nutella pretzels in my mouth and it tasted TERRIBLE! I instantly wanted to throw up, even though this has always been a favorite treat of mine.

A few weeks prior, I started a new medication in an effort to help regulate and control my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and I had been warned by my mom that the primary side effects of this new medicine were gastrointestinal upset and nausea. Because of that, I still didn't register the nausea and lack of appetite as coming from another source. I just remember HATING all 1500 mg of that medication for making me feel so sick!

On Saturday afternoon, after another full day of laying in bed and trying not to vomit, I remember complaining to Austin about the overwhelming, constant nausea I was experiencing. He half-jokingly told me that I was having a baby. I vehemently denied this possibility, knowing that such things do not happen so quickly and easily for women with PCOS. It's a marathon, not a sprint. We'll probably be trying for at least 6 months to a year. It HAS to be the new medication. I didn't even entertain his idea as a realistic suggestion.

I finally sent my pregnant older sister, Lara, a Facebook message complaining about my 2 week stint of nausea and fatigue. I mostly wanted to whine to her about how sick this medicine was making me feel, and I knew she would give me some sympathy. Instead, she told me that was I was experiencing sounded a whole lot like pregnancy and that I should take a test, without getting my hopes up, just to rule out the possibility.

At that point, I knew that taking a test wouldn't hurt. I went to sleep on Saturday night and had a strange, vivid dream about buying 4 pregnancy tests at a store in the U.S. I woke up early on Sunday morning, January 12th, with this overwhelming feeling that I NEEDED to go buy a pregnancy test. I got dressed quickly and drove down to a small, local grocery store to buy some bread and water and a few other items. On the way home, I stopped at a small pharmacy and bought 2 pregnancy test strips for a total of 3,000 Ugandan Shillings, which is the equivalent of about $1.25. I came home, put the groceries away, washed the morning dishes, and went upstairs to our bathroom to take the first test.

I had decided beforehand not to tell Austin about this whole thing, honestly because I just didn't think that pregnancy was even a realistic possibility. As I walked into the bathroom, I remember coaching myself, “Okay, you've done this before. Don't get your hopes up. We're just ruling this out. Expect it to be negative so you don't feel disappointed.”

Without giving too much detail, I will tell you that the pregnancy tests in Uganda do not function the same way as pregnancy tests in the States. Tests in the States can be left on the counter unattended for 5 minutes while you distract yourself with something else. Tests in Uganda develop in less than 30 seconds, but you have to sit there and hold them and watch them process. I remember glancing at my test strip as the first pink line appeared almost immediately. ''Okay, so that must be the control line,” I thought to myself. But subconsciously, I started to panic a little. I think I secretly knew that that line was too far down the strip to be the control line. Sure enough, a second pink line appeared just a few seconds after the first. I stared at the strip and blinked. My heart dropped into my stomach. I remember that my hands started shaking. I kept saying, “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” over and over. I just couldn't believe it! What I was seeing was a clear-as-day, no questions about it positive pregnancy test!

I took a few more minutes to compose myself. Austin was in our bedroom right outside the door and I wanted to keep it a secret from him for just a few hours more until I could tell him in a fun, memorable way, which will be the subject of my next post.

Since I've rambled on enough about the events leading to our positive pregnancy test, I'll stop there for today. I still can't believe that Austin and I are going to be parents. God is so good, and he gives us such incredible gifts! We are blessed!

Two pink lines change everything...